I Am Not This Bad

On the final evening of the countdown to the release of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, I looked around the Internet for a good tie-in to wind it all up. I found out that the producers of the film are into scientific research, specifically regarding bladder capacity:

For would-be Hobbits, Elves and wizards, it was a can't-miss opportunity. Die-hard "Lord of the Rings" fans enjoyed "Trilogy Tuesday," a back-to-back-to-back marathon of all three films, including the first public screenings of the third and final movie, "The Return of the King." ...

Ordinary moviegoers, though, may feel daunted by the New Line Cinema trilogy, directed by Peter Jackson and starring Elijah Wood, Viggo Mortensen, Ian McKellen and Sean Astin. It began with the "extended edition" of "The Fellowship of the Ring" from noon to 3:30 p.m. "The Two Towers," also in extended form, was to follow at 4:30 p.m., leaving time for a break of an hour, and 45 minutes before the 10 p.m. start of "The Return of the King."

But for fans, the more "Rings" footage they get to see, the better. Demand for trilogy tickets has been huge, with tickets selling on the auction site eBay and online ticket brokers for up to $250 apiece.

I can't wait to see the third and final installment, but making people sit through movies one and two ... the only one I know that could survive that is Saddam Hussein, who isn't peeing these days anyway since his people are in bondage. Sheesh. I have enough trouble hanging on through one movie, let alone all three. But if I were to give it a try, I sure as hell wouldn't be using this strategy:

At a Tampa, Fla., theater Tony Straquadine, a 29-year-old engineer who happened to have Tuesday off, said he planned to up his intake of sugar and coffee to get through the marathon. "A lot of chocolate," he said.

But if you think that strategy's a loser, then just try this one on for size:

"I love the books, I love to get away on the fantasy side of things," he said, noting that he belongs to a medieval re-enactment group and often wears period costume for those events. And he suggested that the marathon also might be a good way to meet women.

The Captain remembers when he was younger and some of his friends went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show and to Star Trek conventions in full costume. Perhaps some of them also felt that this would be a successful mating ritual.

Not a chance in hell.

Tomorrow: the big day, and my spectacular review.

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