You Wouldn't See This Christmas Special (Well, Maybe on Fox)

Michelle at A Small Victory is a sick and twisted individual ... but dammit, this just makes a lot of sense:

Rudolph is not a cuddly, warm, fuzzy story. Rudolph, in fact, is a tale of pacifism and appeasement and mental abuse.

When Rudolph is first discovered to have the light bulb nose, his father is appalled. Ashamed, he tries to cover up his son's nose. What kind of father is that? He is telling his kid right off the bat, kid, you're ugly and you embarass me. Diguise yourself in public.

Michelle uses this perspective to thoroughly deconstruct the entire sad saga of the ruby-schnozzed reindeer, only she has a suggestion that would teach children ... uh ... something different:

If Rudolph learned anything at all on his great adventure, he would have turned around and said fuck off and die you miserable bastards. Find some other sucker to save Christmas for you. And then he would take out his AK-47 and turn the whole crowd of miserable reindeer into a carnivore's dream. Then he would go back to the Island of Misfit Toys, become their ruler and plot to take over all of Rankin-Bass land.

Disturbing? Yes. Deeply cynical? Undoubtedly. Hilarious? Yah, you betcha. Read the whole thing. And Merry ^%&*#%* Christmas to you too, pal.

Now that you have read this post, read the most recent entries at the new Captain's Quarters at http://www.captainsquartersblog.com/!